still here

It's amazing how things can get away from you.  I haven't written a post in a while, though I've meant to on many occasions.  I need to do it more.  It's good for me on a regular basis, like exercise, which I am also starting again this week.  Lots of great things happened this week, but I can only think of one thing to write about.

My dad is losing his mind.  Granted, I've thought that for the past forty years, but now, the picture is becoming tragically clear.  Recent things he has no memory of.  Recent like a day ago.  Losing things.  Getting lost.  Last week he went to a funeral.  Or he tried to go.  He got lost.  He wound up in another state.  I'm not making this up.  The last conversation we had about his health, he said, "I was never expecting to live this long."  Ok.  What the fuck does that mean?  'I had no plan before, so I'm just going with that'?  Later he tried to get me to promise to put a pillow over his head if he was suffering and couldn't do it himself.  For the record, your honor, I said no.  The funny thing is, now, he won't even remember asking me.

I hate to agree with him, but I'm surprised he's lasted this long too.  He led a very... take no prisoners kind of lifestyle, and many times I've heard the phone ring and thought to myself, "is this the call?"  He has a heart condition and more angioplastys (sp?) I'm sure he's got a permanent quick-connect access point in his left side.  He can't go for more than two hours doing anything without taking a nap.  He's been obese is along as I can remember, I hard core smoker until recently, and in my non-medical opinion has been over-medicating himself for the slightest twinge for years.  Maybe that's what's keeping him alive.   But I think what's contributed most to his present mental condition is his, I don't know, his receding from society, from life outside the walls of his house.  He doesn't go out, he doesn't like to socialize, he can't accept any stance on anything that isn't in complete alignment with his own thinking.  He doesn't take any classes or have any interest in learning anything new.  The only thing keeping his going is his wife.  Which is sweet in a way, and terrible in another.  "what if something ever happened to Mom," I asked him one time."  "Simple," he said.  "I would kill myself."  So you can see why I'm not really good at planning long term.

There's not much I can do about it.  My sister had an idea for him to get a dog.  Something that would get him walking regularly, get him out of the house, get him interacting with other humans.  I think it's a great idea, as long as he doesn't try to return in the first time it pees on the rug.  Patience is not one of his strong points either.

I didn't want this to turn into a blame-a-thon.  He's not perfect, he was dealt a particularly shitty hand early in life, and he did the best he could.  I'm going to miss him when he's gone.  But part of me feels like he's been gone for a while already.